How Depression and Suicide lost

I didn’t know I was struggling with depression.  When I would hit emotional lows, I thought my feelings were what every normal person felt. When I would tell myself what a horrible person I was, I truly believed everyone felt that way about themselves.  When I convinced myself that the world would be better off without me, I thought everyone had those thoughts.

I had no reason to be depressed. People who struggled with depression had a traumatic past. They have been abused physically and/or emotionally. They were neglected as children.  They had a violent or unstable home life.  They didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus.

That wasn’t me.

I came from an intact home, in a good neighborhood. My family attended church regularly. I had faith in God. Someone like me couldn’t possibly be struggling with depression.

But I was struggling with depression. Whenever conflict arose in my life, whatever it could be, I knew I was to blame. It was my fault. I was the cause. There wouldn’t be that problem if I were different, if I weren’t the way I was….if I didn’t exist. If I could be like everyone else, things would be better. I would be better if I just weren’t…me.

Self defeating thoughts came more often, they became louder with even the most insignificant problems and my self hate grew.

Then one day, it hit the boiling point.  I felt alone. I felt unloved. I felt worthless.

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and I kept repeating to myself over and over again, “No one loves you. No one likes you. Everyone would be better off if you were dead.” And then I reached into my medicine cabinet, pulled out a brand new bottle of Excedrin pills, the really big one of like 300 pills more or less, and I began swallowing. Handful after handful, until the bottle was gone and only a few spilled pills scattered around the sink and floor.

Then I walked into my living room towards my couch, sat down, and waited.

Then God intervened.

To make a long story short, my then boyfriend, now husband, came to my apartment, discovered what I had done, called 911 and I was taken to the nearest hospital where my stomach was pumped with charcoal.

That experience changed me. I would never attempt suicide ever again. But the depression didn’t just go away after that. The self hating thoughts didn’t just vanish after that. The extreme emotional lows didn’t just stop happening after that. I simply got better at hiding them from people and self treating my pain, which was not the best nor healthiest way.

God doesn’t want you to pretend to be okay. God doesn’t want you to mask your pain. He wants to talk about it. He wants to bring it out of the darkness into the light and deal with it.

So I took the step to seek professional help with a licensed therapist.

I truly belived that because my childhood and adult life were normal and void of any trauma, that there was no way I could ever be dealing with depression. But depression doesn’t afflict only people who have a sordid past. It makes no exception of persons. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t just attack people who have a traumatic past. It can afflict any of us, rich or poor, healthy or sick, good childhood or bad childhood, healthy marriage or unhealthy marriage.

You can look at your life and see all the blessings you have and think, “I should feel happy,” but yet you don’t. You could have an unwavering faith in God, and still be battling depression

If you are struggling with depression: Seek professional help.

If you are having suicidal thoughts: “Everything is my fault.” “No one loves me.” “I am a burden to everyone.” “My kids would be better off without me.” “My spouse will find a better partner if I died.” “The world would be a better place if I no longer existed.” “Everything I touch fails.” “I am the worst person ever born.” “I wish I weren’t the way that I am.”

Seek professional help.

These thoughts and these feelings are not coming from God.  If you need to get on medication, get on it.

Do not be ashamed. Shame will keep you in darkness, isolation and hopelessness.

There is hope. Jesus is the hope and freedom from those thoughts that shackle us.

I look at myself now and I can see how far God has brought me from my darkest day where I almost allowed depression to snuff out my life.

I love myself. I love my life. I see myself the way God sees me. My thoughts are now renewed.

And when those self defeating thoughts try to sneak back in and take my down, I fight them with God’s love and His word and the tools I’ve learned in therapy.

I thank God for intervening. I thank God for my husband that refused to leave my apartment door that night and for encouraging me to get help.  I thank God for giving me the courage to speak up and seek help. I thank God for the people He surrounded me with that have encouraged me to continue pressing towards wholeness and healing.

And I thank God for professional therapists who give us tools to conquer these self defeating thoughts.

I am not the girl I once was.

I am whole. I am healed. I am free.

And I will continue proclaiming that and walking in His freedom.

You can too.

With love,

Cinder

“It is for freedom that Christ set us free. Stand steadfast, therefore, and do not be entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” Galatians 5:1

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.