I’ve hesitated a long time to write on this topic. Today, I very much love God’s church. But this wasn’t always the case. After years of heartache, I grew to hate the Church and to despise Christians. Every time I approached the Church, my heart pounded in my chest. Sunday after Sunday, I dreaded entering the doors.
Today, it is a very different story. I cannot imagine my life without God’s church. Sunday is my favorite day of the week and my closest friends are Christians. And because of this, and because of what God has taught me about His Church, I hesitate to cast a negative light on it.
But the truth of the matter is there are many people who feel the way I did so many years ago. They have been hurt, abused, neglected and trampled over by God’s church. They have turned away from the Church because of their pain. I understand it. And I believe it’s important to share my story so others can see that there is hope.
My story begins when my mother herself returned to the Lord and His Church. I was about 6 or so years old. I remember really loving the church, especially the worship. I would run to the front with my little tambourine and just dance and sing. It was awesome.
Since then, I’ve been a part of 6 different churches in two different cities. I’ll be 40 years old in May of this year, so I have seen a lot of things in those years inside the church: extramarital affairs, mishandling of church funds, nasty church splits, pastors publicly shaming other pastors, drug addictions, gossip, pride, nepotism and I could go on and on.
And in those many years, I have been hurt as well. Personally. Intentionally.
Sunday after Sunday I was called a wolf in sheeps clothing.
I was told repeatedly that God was going to unmask me and publicly shame me.
I was in a bathroom stall once when I overheard a conversation between two supposed friends of mine where they called me a “slut”.
I received “prophetic” word numerous times that I would have a child out of wedlock because I was promiscuous. (I married at 26, childless and a virgin y’all). And my husband and I didn’t have our first child until three years later when I was 29! But the fact of the matter is, even if I had a child out of wedlock, Jesus would still love me.
I had leaders tell other members of the Church to be careful with me because I was dangerous and a bad influence.
I’ve been yelled at, ridiculed, shamed, lied about and the list goes on.
I could add many more examples of pain and hurt I endured inside the church. Years worth.
So why did I stay? Why did I keep going back? In the span of those years from 6 until 40, I never stopped attending a church. Why? Because I knew what God said in Scripture about the Church and gathering as a Church.
But I eventually did hit a breaking point. I remember one day, with my heart ripped to shreds and hot tears rushing down my face, I literally yelled at God, “I HATE YOUR PEOPLE!! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM!! I HATE YOUR CHURCH!! I LOVE YOU, BUT I HATE THEM!!” And I cried until I could cry no more and I fell asleep in my agony.
But God didn’t leave me there. He spoke to me. Not right away and not one time, but many times over many years. “You hate them, but I love them. And you can’t truly love me until you love them too.”
Let me tell you, it took me years. A lot of years to forgive and more years to trust and a lot more years to love.
So how did God do it? Well, he showed me exactly what the Church is, what it means to Him and what He’s willing to do for it.
In the book of Hosea, God instructs him to marry an unfaithful woman. A woman who would time and time again leave him, sleep with other men, and God would instruct Hosea to go back and bring her back home to him. And in that story, God showed me His immense love for His Church.
His Church, full of flaws, unfaithful, sinful…A Church He loves so much He literally did everything to rescue her.
Those people who hurt me, God loves them with a never ending love.
You see, just as they are the Church, the flawed, unfaithful church, so am I. And God will go to the cross for them a thousand times over, just as He would for me.
It wasn’t God and me against the Church. It was just me against the Church and God telling me to love it.
So I started praying for them. I stopped asking God to punish them, and started asking God to bless them, to prosper their marriages, their businesses, their churches.
And I began to see them as God sees them. Flawed, unfaithful, imperfect, sinful…loved, redeemed, forgiven. He saw them exactly how He sees me. With mercy and love.
That Christian who hurt you, God loves them.
That pastor who offended you, God loves them.
That leader who pushed you down, God loves them.
That friend who stabbed you in the back, God loves them.
God loves them just as much as He loves you. And He would endure the most painful and humiliating of deaths to redeem them, just as He did for you.
Once we can wrap our minds around that, we can start learning how to love the Church.
That is why I make it a point not to join in the stone throwing when a pastor falls from grace or a Christian stumbles. I pray for God’s restoration. God’s heart is for them, not against them.
And looking back on those hard years now, I can see all the value and lessons I learned from them.
You don’t have to stay in a church that is hurting you. But don’t abandon the church all together. Find a church where you will be loved. Keep praying for those who have hurt and offended you. Pray God restores them. Pray God blesses them. Pray they become the church God wants them to be.
Where there is anger, pray.
Where there is hurt, pray.
Where there is bitterness, pray.
God loves His church. God will never give up on it. God will always rescue His church. And that includes all the flawed people that come along with it. And if we want to wholly and truly love God, we must love His Church too.
With Love,
Cinder
“After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” -Ephesians 5:29
Cinder Gasca 