Enjoy Motherhood to the fullest

I used the last bit of energy I had left to plop myself on the couch. The kids were finally all asleep and I was so ready for some quiet. My husband was sitting on the opposite end of the couch giving me the “Is it my turn for your attention” look. And I grimaced.

If you’re familiar with the types of love languages, you’ll understand when I say I had nothing left in my love tank to pour out for him. Our daughter needed quality time for her love tank, which I gave. Our oldest son needed communication to fill his love tank, so I chatted up a storm throughout the day with him. And our third child needed physical touch and words of affirmation for his love tank. Not to mention I have a baby who needs tons of attention all the time.

In the middle of all that pouring out of myself, I actually have to discipline and mold characters. It’s a constant juggling between, “Great job!” “I love you!” “You’re awesome!” “You can do it!” and “Did you flush the toilet?” “Wash your hands!” “Stop hitting your brother.” “Don’t jump on the couch.” “Please, just eat it.” “Pick up your toys.” “Flush.the.toilet!!” And my personal favorite, “Stop screaming!!!” Pro tip: There’s no more effective way to teach kids not to scream than screaming at them to not scream. You’re welcome. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic).

In the brief seconds of silence you have, you worry if you’re ruining their lives. How much therapy are they going to need? Will we be able to pay for college? Will they get into college?

In between that there’s work, deadlines, making breakfast, packing lunches, making dinner, laundry, scrubbing pee off toilets and….oh, yeah, brushing your teeth and taking a shower…hopefully uninterrupted. Very important.

At the end of the day I’ve poured everything out. And if your kids are tiny tots or self centered teenagers or busy adults with their own lives, they’re not going to pour into and fill your tank. Being a mom is all about pouring out. This is what leaves us with just enough energy at the end of the day to plop ourselves onto the couch and nothing more.

I understand that motherhood is going to be tiring. We are flesh and blood after all, and using energy will wear us out no matter what. I’m not talking about physical weariness. I’m talking about emotional and spiritual depletion. That drained feeling where you erupt into an uncontrollable ugly cry, kind of feeling. The kind of weariness that even an uninterrupted shower and a good sleep doesn’t fix.

Is this what God intended motherhood to be? A constant state of pouring out and being depleted!? I don’t believe that’s the heart of God towards us.

Having “me time” is very important, true. We need that quiet time to read a book, have coffee with a friend, sleep, take a shower…uninterrupted or whatever personal time looks like for you. (Did I mention taking an uninterrupted shower?) But, I’m going to dare to say that even more important than our “me” time is our “God” time.

The days when I’m especially grump-tastic (yes, that’s a word…I’m almost positive) are the days I’ve neglected my time with God. I get busy changing diapers, helping with homework, dinner, etcetera and before I realize it, the day is over, I’m exhausted and God got zero of my time.

Sure, I may have said a quick prayer here or there such as “Please, God, help me get through this day,” or something like that. But a focused, intimate, intentional moment with God can sometimes go neglected in the busy-ness of the day to day.

God tells us, “Come to me all who are weary,” and yet sometimes we replace going to God with going out with our girlfriends or binging on Netflix. (I’m not the only one, right? Right!?) Yeah.

He sees us weary and drained. He hears our complaints of having nothing left to give. He wants to pour into us. He calls us to go to Him so He can fill us up before, during and after we pour out.

Moms, we all know motherhood is a blessing. We love our kids with the fiercest of loves. We pour ourselves completely out for them day in and day out. We will throat punch someone to protect them.

They are a constant in our hearts, our thoughts, our worries and our dreams. We literally pour it all out for them. And we wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.

God wants us to enjoy motherhood to its fullest. It is the greateat gift He has given us to steward these little ones (and the adult ones).

Have your “me” time. Go have coffee with your girlfriend. Watch that entire series on Netflix! Go get your hair done. Take that long, UNINTERRUPTED shower. (Yeah, I’m not harbouring any bitterness about that shower thing.)

Just don’t forget to go to the One who will pour back into YOU so you can enjoy motherhood to the fullest.

Happy Mother’s Day, all you amazing Moms!

Hope Beyond Shame

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:1-3.

This is one of my favorite Bible verses because it paints a beautiful picture of the body of Christ. People coming together in support and love of one another. Someone toppling under the weight of struggle and their fellow Christians rushing to their aid to help make their burden lighter. It’s beautiful…if you’re the Christian coming to the aid of another. But what if you’re the one struggling to get on your feet?

We all want to be the knight in shining armor riding in on their white horse to rescue another. We want to be the hero. We don’t want to be the victim. So when we become victims of our circumstances, of our own foolish behaviors or our mistakes, it’s difficult to come forward and seek help. We want to keep our shame in darkness, hidden from others. But there’s only one who operates in darkness, and it isn’t God.

If you’re struggling under the weight of a burden, whether through fault of your own or not, do not allow shame to keep it hidden away. Once you bring it out into the light, the body of Christ will help you carry the load. However, you need to be selective with whom you entrust with certain parts of your private life. Just because you should not be ashamed to come forward for help doesn’t mean you need to broadcast it to the entire world around you. Too many voices can drown out sound advice.

So who can you trust?

This is a question my husband and I asked ourselves when we were at our breaking point and desperately needed help with the load. We asked ourselves some key questions to help us narrow down the people we would turn to for advice.

Who has given good testimony in our community?

A testimony is evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something. Essentially, we were searching for someone who had a reputation of being discrete and had verifiable good character. In other words, we didn’t want to know them as people who spread other peoples business. If you hear them speak of others like: “So and so told me that so and so…blah, blah…”, then that’s probably not the person who is going to keep your issues confidential. Don’t think that someone who is telling you someone else’s personal business is going to keep your business personal. Find someone who is a vault. Then you’ll be sure your business will be safeguarded.

Who is rooted in Scripture?

We were looking for that person who, no matter what you’re facing or how your day is going, they’re gonna quote you some Scripture! You say good morning and they respond, “Today is the day the Lord has made!” Hallelujah! Yes!! 2 Timothy 3:16 says, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” We were searching for someone who has Scripture very evidently engraved in their heart because then we’d be assured that their words of advice and counsel would be planted in Godly wisdom.

Who has relatable life experience?

This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through, but they’ve been through some stuff! When someone has walked a similar path before you, they’ve learned valuable lessons along the way. We’re married, so we wanted to speak to a married couple so we could get both the husband and wife perspective. One of our struggles is with finances, so we also wanted a couple who is financially stable. Whatever your issue may be, talking to someone with a relatable life experience may prove to be helpful.

With all of those things taken into consideration and after some discussion, we knew exactly who to speak to. The couple we selected to help us carry this load were Karyn and Bob. They are leaders in our church family, have an excellent testimony of trustworthiness and we knew that they would listen to our issues without judgement and give sound advice rooted in Scripture and love. They also would not sugarcoat the reality of our situation and lay it to us honestly. They would pray with us, check in with us and love us through all the peaks and valleys. They exemplified what the body of Christ is and how it’s designed to function.

Left to right: Jorge Gasca, Cinder Gasca, Karyn Stephan, Robert Stephan

Still, this was a big deal for us because we were so embarrassed to open up about it with anyone! Yeah, people probably knew we weren’t Rockefeller’s, but just the idea of revealing the intimate details of our struggles, our arguments, our finances was extremely difficult. But one Sunday after church, we had lunch with Karyn and Bob and we laid it out for them. We spoke about our struggles and our arguments in detail and they listened to us with understanding, patience and love.

Let me tell you, after that talk we felt lighter. We felt…like a burden had been lifted! Why? Because Galatians 6:1-3. The body of Christ was there for us and they helped carry our burden. As a result, we now have a new hope that we can get through this. As our Pastor says, we aren’t meant to do life alone. God planted us in a body, in a community so the harshness of life can be a bit easier to navigate. That first step we took cast a light on our shame, which led to the step to invest into the Dave Ramsey program, which led to the step of writing our first budget together, which will lead to other steps we’ll take that will change our future.

It all starts with that first bold step to reject shame and cast light where there is darkness.

How Grace Overcomes Stress

It had finally arrived! I thought for a second to wait until my husband got home to open up the box, but only for a second. Then I ripped it open.

There it was. The answer to our prayers. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University! We had struggled in the past to come to an accord in our finances, but Dave was going to show us the way!

After the kids were in bed we played Lesson 1. I soon realized that I had NO idea what we were getting into. Dave’s program is wonderful, no doubt. But what I wasn’t anticipating was that this program isn’t just about money. It’s about discipline, structure and changing lifelong bad habits.

For some people, drawing up a budget and sticking to it is no big deal. For us, it is definitely a huge deal. We hadn’t written a budget together for a very long, long time (like, a long time). Whenever we tried, someone would end up crying (not me…just kidding), there would be pointing of fingers, pens flying across the table, someone eventually stomping away and the mighty slamming of doors (definitely me).

One point Dave Ramsey made almost emphatically in Lesson 1 was: “This is going to be HARD. You’re not going to get it right the first time. You will make mistakes. Have grace for one another.”

We did great! For a few days. We drew up our first budget together without any quarreling, which was a major victory for us. But as the days and weeks rolled on by, the stress of this new lifestyle that had been brooding beneath the surface bubbled over and all the warnings to have grace for one another were shot, killed and buried.

Grace.was.dead.

When the dust settled, we came together and made peace. We knew that we wanted to get our finances in order and we didn’t want to fight about it along the way. If we wanted to come out of this financial makeover with our marriage intact we had to heed Dave’s advice. We had to have grace for one another.

In Scripture grace means undeserved favor. Most Christians are familiar with this definition. However, I found an important meaning of grace in the dictionary.

In the dictionary, grace is defined as being refined. This definition refers to a person’s personality, character, temperament or composure. Essentially, the way they conduct and carry themselves. If we dig into the meaning of refined, we learn that it is defined as the removal of impurities or undesirable elements. In essence, a person who has grace or is graceful (full of grace) is refined and composed…at all times.

Under this definition, having grace for someone is much more about MY character than THEIRS. (Light bulb!)

If I want to activate grace for my husband as we navigate through this season, then I have to allow the Holy Spirit to refine ME, remove MY impurities and compose MY temperament. I must be willing to not only forgive him for his failings, but I must also be willing to examine my own. I must allow the Holy Spirit to work in MY weaknesses. If I am to have grace in the moments of strife, I have to let the Holy Spirit work in me.

In doing so, grace will protect us from the enemy’s plan to disrupt and destroy our marriage. That may sound dramatic, but we know that the enemy is out to kill, steal and destroy any chance he gets. Having grace is a tool we can use to disrupt his plans.

My husband and I are at the beginning of this process and a long, winding road is still before us. As a couple, we’ve decided that we will not allow stress to kill grace. We have decided that grace must always win. Grace is not going to remove the stress and pressure of this season for us, but what it will do is ensure that the stress will not set us against one another.

Will we always get it right? Nope. But God’s grace will always pull us through.