Back to Basics

As all of us are aware, there is a global pandemic.  It has touched all of our daily lives in some way or another.  People are working from home, homeschooling their children, churches have gone totally online; life is different.  One of the biggest changes for many people, myself included, is how we have gotten closer to God during this crisis.  We have become more in-tune with His voice, we have been reading Scripture more, tuning into online services, listening to podcasts.  In the stillness that now is life, we have opened our ears to hear Him.

Before the pandemic hit my area, God had already started dealing with me in one particular area that needed His attention and His touch: performance.  Performance in the sense of doing tasks with the focus of pleasing others and gaining their approval.

I hadn’t realized how much I was operating under performance until God pointed it out to me.  Performance can be a tricky thing.  I like doing a good job, the best job I can.  I thrive on doing a job well.  There is nothing wrong with doing a task well.  The issue comes when the reason you’re doing the task becomes more about pleasing others than pleasing God. And that is where I had unknowingly slipped into.

The problem with performing to please others is that when you make a mistake, and you will because you’re not perfect, your self-worth can take a huge hit.  This happened to me more than I care to admit, but one particular situation floored me for over a week.  I couldn’t stop replaying the scenario in my head.  I started overthinking everything, every conversation, everything that came before and after.  I immediately felt worthless.  I began to believe that God was wrong about me.  I wasn’t gifted.  I wasn’t talented.  I had nothing to offer.  In short: I spiraled.  And God, in the only way that He can, reached down and pulled me out before I drowned in a sea of self-pity and self-doubt.

One particular day when I was in the darkest place in my thoughts, and I just couldn’t stop crying, God spoke to me: “If you stopped doing everything in this moment and never served again, I would still love you.”

That sentence wrecked me.  With those words, God showed me His heart. He loved me just because. There is nothing I can do or could ever do to earn His love. Even if I never accepted Jesus as my Savior, God would still love me. God loves the saint and the sinner alike. He loves me just because He does. Period. No and, if or but about it. He just loves me.  He just LOVES ME. Even if I make a critical mistake: He loves me. Even if I just sat in a chair Sunday after Sunday: He loves me. Even if I never did another task for anyone else ever again: He loves me.

I wanted to sit in that moment forever, bask in His love and never leave it.  I was looking forward to the rest the stay-at-home order promised when the pandemic hit my city.  I had a Bible picked out, several books, blocks of time I could just sit and be with God.  I was eager to just be still.

It didn’t quite work out that way, though.  In the crisis, other people were grasping for the same thing I was. People were flocking to find hope and comfort in the crisis.  As such, the work of  the global church vamped up.  We had to adapt to church online and produce like we had never produced before.

In this moment, I had a choice: do I sit or do I serve? God would love me the same if I chose to sit and just bask in His presence.  He had told me so.  And it was in that moment that I realized something heart changing: because of His love for me, I wanted to serve.

In the serving, in the increase of responsibility and tasks, I found the core of why I ever started serving to begin with. Because HE loves ME. Because He loves me the way He does and doesn’t demand for me to do to earn His love, I wanted to serve HIM.  Because there wasn’t anything I could do to make Him love me more, I wanted to serve Him. Because there isn’t a mistake I could make that would make Him love me less, I wanted to serve Him.

I realized that I had unintentionally placed the focus on my serving in earning His love and in the validation of others.  There is no way to earn His love.  There is nothing we can do to earn it, because He loves us just because He does.  Just the same, the validation of others is nice, and it’s needed, but it cannot be the source of why we serve. It cannot be what propels us to keep going, to keep pushing, to keep doing, because one day it won’t be enough. That validation won’t be there and your self-worth will falter and you will crumble.

The source of why we serve must be rooted in His love for us and our love for Him.  We have to remember why we serve. We don’t serve to earn His love, or validation from others, or self-worth. We serve simply because He loves us, and when we bask in His love, accept it and believe it, there is nothing we wouldn’t do for Him.

“I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance…I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary, but I have this against you: that you have abandoned the love you had at first.  Remember where you have fallen, and repent.” Revelation 2:1-29.

In this Scripture, we see a people who are doing the work. They are being faithful, enduring, holding onto God’s truths and doing the work that needs to be done without fail, but they lost what was most important: the love they first had.

Serving during this pandemic has renewed me. It has reminded me of what HE says about me. It has brought me back to my first love.  Now that I have remembered the love I first had in serving, I never want to serve any other way again.   I wanted rest, but God wanted to renew and refresh me through serving with a pure heart, a heart aligned with His.  That is the rest I needed and my heart craved.

A heart willing to serve not for any other reason but one: Love.

That Spark You Have…

So my 22 month old is really into Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse right now. I blame his older brothers…BUT, it really is a beautiful movie. If you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want any spoilers, stop reading now!

The protagonist of this animated marvel is a young boy named Miles Morales. He is an extremely gifted young man and the Universe picks him to be the next Spiderman in his dimension. (I’m not proclaiming this as sound theology, but bear with me).

Miles has a father who is a police officer. His dad is stern, strong and pushes his son to be the best, as his son resists him every step of the way.

In one scene of the movie, his father goes to speak to his son as his son sits behind a closed door. His father opens his heart up in an attempt to improve their strained relationship and he says this line: “I see this spark in you. It’s amazing. That’s why I push you. But it’s yours.”

That line always grips my heart.

That spark you have, that gifting God has placed in you, is yours. Every single person around you can see it, can try to pull it out of you, can push you to use it, but it’s yours to do with as you want.

One of the hardest things parents, friends, leaders have to do is step back and let people choose to use their giftings and talents…or not.

Everyone around you can see it, can call it out, can nurture it…but only YOU can choose what you do with it.

That spark in you is yours to do with as you wish. What do you want to do with it?

With Love,

Cinder

“God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.”              1 Peter 4:10

What is God telling You to Build?

In my last blog, I shared what God had showed me through the Biblical account of Noah. One of the points I discussed was Noah’s determination to build what God had instructed him to build.

In Genesis, Chapter 6, we see God give Noah detailed instructions of exactly what and how to build an ark because a global flood was coming. Noah believed God and obeyed God even though he had no idea what his building would actually produce in the end or how long it would take.

This caught my attention because many times we find ourselves in the same boat (pun intended). God tells us to build, but the end result is a mystery to us.

But just like God told Noah to build because a flood was coming, He tells us to build in preparation for the future as well. So, what is God telling you to build?

In the story of Noah, the ark saved him, his family and the world from total destruction. And because Noah obeyed and believed and built, the flood didn’t destroy him. Because he obeyed, believed and built, he was prepared and the flood instead carried him and the seed of future generations into the next season.

I encourage you to lean into God’s presence and ask Him what He wants you to build. Ask Him for detailed instructions on how to build it.

It may be building your finances. If we build our Biblical stewardship, when provision falls upon us, the overflow will not lead us into a love of a lifestyle and spending. Building good stewardship now will save us from debt and carry us into giving and prosperity for future generations.

What if it’s building your marriage? God has specifics on how to build a healthy, strong marriage that can withstand any flood that comes its way. If we take careful consideration of God’s instructions for building our marriage, it will produce happy, well rounded children, a strong community, and spouses working together instead of against one another.

God asks us to build His church. Scripture also outlines very clearly how we are to build up His people: with love, mercy, and edification. So build a community for His people to continue carrying the Gospel of Christ.

Take heed of what God is telling you to build. You may not know exactly how everything will turn out in the end, but if we obey and believe, whatever we build will protect us from the floods this life on earth can bring.

That is God’s heart for us, to protect us, save us, carry us into new seasons and new opportunities.

So, keep building, because the flood is coming.

With Love,

Cinder

“By faith Noah, being warned by God about things not yet seen, in reverence prepared an ark for the salvation of his household…” Hebrews 11:7

The Other Side of Breakthrough

Have you ever thought, “How much longer until I see something happen?” “Is God even listening to me?” “Am I being punished?”

You are not alone.

We’ve all heard the testimonies of miraculous breakthrough. A debt paid off by an anonymous donor, someone receiving a job promotion they weren’t even looking for, a miraculous healing, being freed from addiction instantly. The stories are endless. But if you are on the other side of breakthrough, especially if you have been waiting for years and years, these stories can leave you asking, “What about me? When is it my turn? Has God forgotten about me?”

That is where my husband and I are. We are on the other side of breakthrough. So although our hearts rejoice with our brothers and sisters when we hear their stories of breakthrough, we can sometimes feel forgotten by God.

We both know that God has not forgotten us. We both know God has good plans for us. So instead of festering in those feelings of despair, we chose to seek Him more.

Recently, God led me to Genesis Chapter 6. The story of Noah. It is such a strange passage when you are praying for breakthrough. But nonetheless, God led me there.

I read the passage several times, lingering there and letting the well-known story tumble in my spirit. And then, the revelation slowly came.

Most of us know the story well. God is fed up with the wickedness of man. He tells Noah a flood is coming and gave him detailed instructions on how to build an ark that would save him, his family and nature.

What God showed me in the story of Noah was, one, a faithful obedience. Many theologians suggest Noah had never even seen rain before the flood. Yet he faithfully obeyed God’s detailed instructions in the midst of possible ridicule because he believed God that a flood would come.

He not only faithfully obeyed God, he faithfully obeyed God for a LONG time. It is theorized it took Noah between 55 and 75 years to complete the ark!! That is a long time to wait. That is a long time to build. That is a long time to endure.

The second thing God showed me was that not only did Noah obey, but he had the boldness to build something he had never built before. And to go even further, he built something he had never even seen before. This was a totally new experience for him. He probably had no idea what this thing would look like until he actually finished it. His only blueprint was God’s word. (Let that sink in for a bit). Sometimes all we have is God’s word. But that is more than enough to build something amazing.

God also taught me that once Noah had built what God had instructed him to build, God brought the animals to him. Noah didn’t have to go hunting for them. After Noah obeyed and built and the structure was ready, God brought the provision to Noah: animals that would provide food and clothing and a thriving ecosystem for his family and all of humanity until this day.

And finally, Noah **believed** God. And his belief that what God said was true and that it would happen fueled him to be faithful, to obey and to build. No matter how long it took or how many people doubted and laughed, Noah believed and built with full confidence that the flood was coming. And this mindset saved him, his family, the earth and all of humanity. The flood that could have destroyed him, instead carried him into the next season because he built what God told him to build.

I could have chosen to wait to write this after our breakthrough came and be a great testiomy of God’s awesomeness, but I wanted to speak to you who are still waiting, still hoping, still praying; you who are wondering if God has forgotten you; you who have been waiting for years and have seen nothing change in your favor while it seems everyone around you is relishing in answered prayers.

To you, and to myself, I say: remain faithful, be obedient, be bold, keep believing and keep building. The flood is coming.

With Love,
Cinder

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” -Hebrews 10:23

How Depression and Suicide lost

I didn’t know I was struggling with depression.  When I would hit emotional lows, I thought my feelings were what every normal person felt. When I would tell myself what a horrible person I was, I truly believed everyone felt that way about themselves.  When I convinced myself that the world would be better off without me, I thought everyone had those thoughts.

I had no reason to be depressed. People who struggled with depression had a traumatic past. They have been abused physically and/or emotionally. They were neglected as children.  They had a violent or unstable home life.  They didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus.

That wasn’t me.

I came from an intact home, in a good neighborhood. My family attended church regularly. I had faith in God. Someone like me couldn’t possibly be struggling with depression.

But I was struggling with depression. Whenever conflict arose in my life, whatever it could be, I knew I was to blame. It was my fault. I was the cause. There wouldn’t be that problem if I were different, if I weren’t the way I was….if I didn’t exist. If I could be like everyone else, things would be better. I would be better if I just weren’t…me.

Self defeating thoughts came more often, they became louder with even the most insignificant problems and my self hate grew.

Then one day, it hit the boiling point.  I felt alone. I felt unloved. I felt worthless.

I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and I kept repeating to myself over and over again, “No one loves you. No one likes you. Everyone would be better off if you were dead.” And then I reached into my medicine cabinet, pulled out a brand new bottle of Excedrin pills, the really big one of like 300 pills more or less, and I began swallowing. Handful after handful, until the bottle was gone and only a few spilled pills scattered around the sink and floor.

Then I walked into my living room towards my couch, sat down, and waited.

Then God intervened.

To make a long story short, my then boyfriend, now husband, came to my apartment, discovered what I had done, called 911 and I was taken to the nearest hospital where my stomach was pumped with charcoal.

That experience changed me. I would never attempt suicide ever again. But the depression didn’t just go away after that. The self hating thoughts didn’t just vanish after that. The extreme emotional lows didn’t just stop happening after that. I simply got better at hiding them from people and self treating my pain, which was not the best nor healthiest way.

God doesn’t want you to pretend to be okay. God doesn’t want you to mask your pain. He wants to talk about it. He wants to bring it out of the darkness into the light and deal with it.

So I took the step to seek professional help with a licensed therapist.

I truly belived that because my childhood and adult life were normal and void of any trauma, that there was no way I could ever be dealing with depression. But depression doesn’t afflict only people who have a sordid past. It makes no exception of persons. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t just attack people who have a traumatic past. It can afflict any of us, rich or poor, healthy or sick, good childhood or bad childhood, healthy marriage or unhealthy marriage.

You can look at your life and see all the blessings you have and think, “I should feel happy,” but yet you don’t. You could have an unwavering faith in God, and still be battling depression

If you are struggling with depression: Seek professional help.

If you are having suicidal thoughts: “Everything is my fault.” “No one loves me.” “I am a burden to everyone.” “My kids would be better off without me.” “My spouse will find a better partner if I died.” “The world would be a better place if I no longer existed.” “Everything I touch fails.” “I am the worst person ever born.” “I wish I weren’t the way that I am.”

Seek professional help.

These thoughts and these feelings are not coming from God.  If you need to get on medication, get on it.

Do not be ashamed. Shame will keep you in darkness, isolation and hopelessness.

There is hope. Jesus is the hope and freedom from those thoughts that shackle us.

I look at myself now and I can see how far God has brought me from my darkest day where I almost allowed depression to snuff out my life.

I love myself. I love my life. I see myself the way God sees me. My thoughts are now renewed.

And when those self defeating thoughts try to sneak back in and take my down, I fight them with God’s love and His word and the tools I’ve learned in therapy.

I thank God for intervening. I thank God for my husband that refused to leave my apartment door that night and for encouraging me to get help.  I thank God for giving me the courage to speak up and seek help. I thank God for the people He surrounded me with that have encouraged me to continue pressing towards wholeness and healing.

And I thank God for professional therapists who give us tools to conquer these self defeating thoughts.

I am not the girl I once was.

I am whole. I am healed. I am free.

And I will continue proclaiming that and walking in His freedom.

You can too.

With love,

Cinder

“It is for freedom that Christ set us free. Stand steadfast, therefore, and do not be entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” Galatians 5:1

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

 

How God Taught me to Love the Church

I’ve hesitated a long time to write on this topic. Today, I very much love God’s church. But this wasn’t always the case. After years of heartache, I grew to hate the Church and to despise Christians. Every time I approached the Church, my heart pounded in my chest. Sunday after Sunday, I dreaded entering the doors.

Today, it is a very different story. I cannot imagine my life without God’s church. Sunday is my favorite day of the week and my closest friends are Christians. And because of this, and because of what God has taught me about His Church, I hesitate to cast a negative light on it.

But the truth of the matter is there are many people who feel the way I did so many years ago. They have been hurt, abused, neglected and trampled over by God’s church. They have turned away from the Church because of their pain. I understand it. And I believe it’s important to share my story so others can see that there is hope.

My story begins when my mother herself returned to the Lord and His Church. I was about 6 or so years old. I remember really loving the church, especially the worship. I would run to the front with my little tambourine and just dance and sing. It was awesome.

Since then, I’ve been a part of 6 different churches in two different cities. I’ll be 40 years old in May of this year, so I have seen a lot of things in those years inside the church: extramarital affairs, mishandling of church funds, nasty church splits, pastors publicly shaming other pastors, drug addictions, gossip, pride, nepotism and I could go on and on.

And in those many years, I have been hurt as well. Personally. Intentionally.

Sunday after Sunday I was called a wolf in sheeps clothing.

I was told repeatedly that God was going to unmask me and publicly shame me.

I was in a bathroom stall once when I overheard a conversation between two supposed friends of mine where they called me a “slut”.

I received “prophetic” word numerous times that I would have a child out of wedlock because I was promiscuous. (I married at 26, childless and a virgin y’all). And my husband and I didn’t have our first child until three years later when I was 29! But the fact of the matter is, even if I had a child out of wedlock, Jesus would still love me.

I had leaders tell other members of the Church to be careful with me because I was dangerous and a bad influence.

I’ve been yelled at, ridiculed, shamed, lied about and the list goes on.

I could add many more examples of pain and hurt I endured inside the church. Years worth.

So why did I stay? Why did I keep going back? In the span of those years from 6 until 40, I never stopped attending a church. Why? Because I knew what God said in Scripture about the Church and gathering as a Church.

But I eventually did hit a breaking point. I remember one day, with my heart ripped to shreds and hot tears rushing down my face, I literally yelled at God, “I HATE YOUR PEOPLE!! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM!! I HATE YOUR CHURCH!! I LOVE YOU, BUT I HATE THEM!!” And I cried until I could cry no more and I fell asleep in my agony.

But God didn’t leave me there. He spoke to me. Not right away and not one time, but many times over many years. “You hate them, but I love them. And you can’t truly love me until you love them too.”

Let me tell you, it took me years. A lot of years to forgive and more years to trust and a lot more years to love.

So how did God do it? Well, he showed me exactly what the Church is, what it means to Him and what He’s willing to do for it.

In the book of Hosea, God instructs him to marry an unfaithful woman. A woman who would time and time again leave him, sleep with other men, and God would instruct Hosea to go back and bring her back home to him. And in that story, God showed me His immense love for His Church.

His Church, full of flaws, unfaithful, sinful…A Church He loves so much He literally did everything to rescue her.

Those people who hurt me, God loves them with a never ending love.

You see, just as they are the Church, the flawed, unfaithful church, so am I. And God will go to the cross for them a thousand times over, just as He would for me.

It wasn’t God and me against the Church. It was just me against the Church and God telling me to love it.

So I started praying for them. I stopped asking God to punish them, and started asking God to bless them, to prosper their marriages, their businesses, their churches.

And I began to see them as God sees them. Flawed, unfaithful, imperfect, sinful…loved, redeemed, forgiven. He saw them exactly how He sees me. With mercy and love.

That Christian who hurt you, God loves them.

That pastor who offended you, God loves them.

That leader who pushed you down, God loves them.

That friend who stabbed you in the back, God loves them.

God loves them just as much as He loves you. And He would endure the most painful and humiliating of deaths to redeem them, just as He did for you.

Once we can wrap our minds around that, we can start learning how to love the Church.

That is why I make it a point not to join in the stone throwing when a pastor falls from grace or a Christian stumbles. I pray for God’s restoration. God’s heart is for them, not against them.

And looking back on those hard years now, I can see all the value and lessons I learned from them.

You don’t have to stay in a church that is hurting you. But don’t abandon the church all together. Find a church where you will be loved. Keep praying for those who have hurt and offended you. Pray God restores them. Pray God blesses them. Pray they become the church God wants them to be.

Where there is anger, pray.

Where there is hurt, pray.

Where there is bitterness, pray.

God loves His church. God will never give up on it. God will always rescue His church. And that includes all the flawed people that come along with it. And if we want to wholly and truly love God, we must love His Church too.

With Love,
Cinder

“After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church” -Ephesians 5:29

When God’s “No” Breaks Your Heart

When my husband and I got married there was one thing we knew for sure, we wanted kids. Lots of kids. So in the year 2017, we had three beautiful kids, and after careful consideration, prayer, lots of tests and consultations with experts in the medical field, we decided to try for a fourth baby. Two months later, we conceived.

We had some complications in the first trimester, with a partial placental abruption that put me on bed rest. But by the 2nd trimester both my regular doctor and my specialist agreed everything had healed, the baby looked healthy and I joined the rest of the world.

The rest of my pregnancy went well. So well, that my obstetrician even told us if everything continued to go well, we could possibly try for a fifth baby, which we both very much desired.

But things did not go well. At 39 weeks it was decided by all my doctors that it was best to induce. Soon after arriving at the hospital for a scheduled induction, things took a turn for the worse. It was discovered that the placenta, the lifeline to my baby, was abrupting, or separating from the uterine wall, a potentially fatal outcome for both the baby and me, so I was rushed in for an emergency Cesarean section.

Exactly what my husband and I and close friends and family had all been praying against, became a reality in an instant.

After my baby boy was born, they rushed him and my husband out of the operating room. I remember feeling very sleepy, and the anesthesiologist shaking me awake several times. He began asking me questions like, “When is your birthday?”, “What are the names and ages of your kids?”, “How long have you been married?”, “Where were you born?” In between that he kept asking my doctor, “How much longer?”

I eventually asked him, “Is everything okay?” He said, “No. You’re losing a lot of blood. You’ve lost over 1500 MLs already and we’re not even halfway done. Your blood pressure is also dropping. So try to stay alert and talking to me.”

At that moment I started praying aloud and proclaiming life over myself. I professed, “I will live. I will not die. I will be a mother to my children. I will see them grow up. God’s plan for me is life.”

After all was done, my doctor came over to my side and said, “Cinder, I know you wanted more kids, but I’m going to say no. You and the baby could have died and the operation did not go smoothly. You can die if you try again. You have four beautiful kids. No more.”

Although my husband and I felt total peace that we should not have any more children, we were sure God spoke very clearly through our doctor and through the circumstance, we knew our fourth baby was our last, but still we were heart broken.

I felt ridiculous and selfish feeling sad when I already had four healthy children. I thought I had no right to be sad, but I did feel sad. Very sad. My heart was breaking over the end of a season I wasn’t ready to embrace.

God’s intention was not to break my heart. His intention was not to take something away from me. His intention was not to dangle a dream in front of me and yank it from me for His amusement.

His intention for me is life, blessing, fulfillment and joy. So why was my heart breaking? Why was I mourning? Because hearing “No” is hard. Even when that “No” comes from God.

Putting a dream to rest is hard.

The ending of a season is hard.

So, instead of feeling guilty for feeling sad, I let myself feel sad. I knew we were doing the right thing. I knew God had clearly said no and at the same time was calling me to cry on His shoulder and mourn.

So I did. I cried…a lot. I cried when I was alone. I cried in the lobby of doctors offices. I cried with my doctor. I cried with my husband. I cried with friends. And most of all, I cried with God.

I decided to write my last post of the year on this topic because I know for many of us, we have walked through disappointments this year. We may be ending 2018 with a “No” from God, and it is hard.

So if you’re ending this year with a “No” from God; a baby that will not be, a dream that will not become reality, a relationship that did not work out, or a job you didn’t get, whatever the “No” is, please know God’s intention is not to break your heart. His intention is to bless you and to prosper you and sometimes, for reasons we may not know this side of heaven, that means Him saying “No”.

Yes, in the process of Him saying “No” your heart breaks. So allow yourself to mourn, to cry, to feel sad and above all, to cry with God. He is near to you, and His plans for you are Good.

XO -Cinder

Psalm 84:11 – “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.”

There Will Be Other Opportunities

It was an insignificant comment spoken by our Creative Team Director, Josh Engler, during a vocal rehearsal when the decision was made to scrap a vocal solo that wasn’t quite working out. It wasn’t spoken during a time of prayer or during a worship service. It didn’t have any spiritual purpose behind it. At the time, I thought nothing of it. I didn’t see any real significance in those words, but throughout the rest of the rehearsal and all the way home, that comment kept popping up in my thoughts. And over the next several weeks, God unpacked that insignificant comment into something significant.

“There will be other opportunities.”

At the time they were spoken by Josh, he had made the decision to take out a vocal solo part from the worship set. The vocalist who had been looking forward to singing it would no longer have the opportunity to use their talent at that time. I don’t know how much time and effort was put into fine tuning that part. I’m not aware of how much anticipation that vocalist had built up about having the opportunity to sing that solo. But it didn’t work out. The opportunity in that moment was gone.

But in that insignificant comment, “There will be other opportunities,” Josh unknowingly revealed the heart of God towards us.

Josh Engler – Creative Director

I’m just going to be real and let you all know, that I know the sting of disappointment that we can feel with a missed opportunity. I understand all too well what it feels like when you think you’ve been looked over or thought less of or not good enough or not worthy enough… not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough…

We begin to ask questions like: “What about me?”, “Why wasn’t I chosen for that?”, “Am I not good enough?”, “Am I wasting my time on this team?”, “Do I even fit in here?”

The thoughts begin to swirl in our heads and we start answering those questions by ourselves from a place of hurt. The people God has placed around us to collaborate with, we begin to see as competition. Instead of focusing on God, we focus on our flaws and start to compare ourselves. Our hearts harden and we become cynical. It happens so inconspicuously many times, because instead of taking that disappointment to God, we let it fester.

We can forget in the moments of a missed opportunity, that God’s timing is perfect. His placement is perfect. For us, it’s a missed opportunity, but perhaps for God it is not. For God it could be a perfectly timed opportunity for us to TRUST in Him and His timing and His placement. To believe that He who has gifted us, placed us and determined every step of our existence has every opportunity under His control.

When we take a missed opportunity as an opportunity to rest and trust in God and confide in His plans for us, we can be glad for others who get the opportunities that we do not, because we understand that man did not give them that opportunity, GOD did. You see, just like God has a perfectly timed opportunity for you, He also has a perfectly timed opportunity for others. Just like He wants to use your gifts and talents, He wants to use the gifts and talents of others. The way those gifts and talents are used and displayed are at HIS disposal. Not ours. And no man on this earth can ever stop God from giving us the opportunity to use them.

A missed opportunity can be disappointing, yes. It can be disheartening and discouraging. But we can go to God with that and unload it onto Him and He will gather us close and let us know that He’s got it under control. The door has not been shut on us. When we fully trust in God that HE is the giver of opportunity, we can change our mindset of competition and comparison into a mindset of collaboration and celebration.

You ARE good enough, you ARE useful, you DO have purpose, you ARE chosen and…there WILL be other opportunities.

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Enjoy Motherhood to the fullest

I used the last bit of energy I had left to plop myself on the couch. The kids were finally all asleep and I was so ready for some quiet. My husband was sitting on the opposite end of the couch giving me the “Is it my turn for your attention” look. And I grimaced.

If you’re familiar with the types of love languages, you’ll understand when I say I had nothing left in my love tank to pour out for him. Our daughter needed quality time for her love tank, which I gave. Our oldest son needed communication to fill his love tank, so I chatted up a storm throughout the day with him. And our third child needed physical touch and words of affirmation for his love tank. Not to mention I have a baby who needs tons of attention all the time.

In the middle of all that pouring out of myself, I actually have to discipline and mold characters. It’s a constant juggling between, “Great job!” “I love you!” “You’re awesome!” “You can do it!” and “Did you flush the toilet?” “Wash your hands!” “Stop hitting your brother.” “Don’t jump on the couch.” “Please, just eat it.” “Pick up your toys.” “Flush.the.toilet!!” And my personal favorite, “Stop screaming!!!” Pro tip: There’s no more effective way to teach kids not to scream than screaming at them to not scream. You’re welcome. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic).

In the brief seconds of silence you have, you worry if you’re ruining their lives. How much therapy are they going to need? Will we be able to pay for college? Will they get into college?

In between that there’s work, deadlines, making breakfast, packing lunches, making dinner, laundry, scrubbing pee off toilets and….oh, yeah, brushing your teeth and taking a shower…hopefully uninterrupted. Very important.

At the end of the day I’ve poured everything out. And if your kids are tiny tots or self centered teenagers or busy adults with their own lives, they’re not going to pour into and fill your tank. Being a mom is all about pouring out. This is what leaves us with just enough energy at the end of the day to plop ourselves onto the couch and nothing more.

I understand that motherhood is going to be tiring. We are flesh and blood after all, and using energy will wear us out no matter what. I’m not talking about physical weariness. I’m talking about emotional and spiritual depletion. That drained feeling where you erupt into an uncontrollable ugly cry, kind of feeling. The kind of weariness that even an uninterrupted shower and a good sleep doesn’t fix.

Is this what God intended motherhood to be? A constant state of pouring out and being depleted!? I don’t believe that’s the heart of God towards us.

Having “me time” is very important, true. We need that quiet time to read a book, have coffee with a friend, sleep, take a shower…uninterrupted or whatever personal time looks like for you. (Did I mention taking an uninterrupted shower?) But, I’m going to dare to say that even more important than our “me” time is our “God” time.

The days when I’m especially grump-tastic (yes, that’s a word…I’m almost positive) are the days I’ve neglected my time with God. I get busy changing diapers, helping with homework, dinner, etcetera and before I realize it, the day is over, I’m exhausted and God got zero of my time.

Sure, I may have said a quick prayer here or there such as “Please, God, help me get through this day,” or something like that. But a focused, intimate, intentional moment with God can sometimes go neglected in the busy-ness of the day to day.

God tells us, “Come to me all who are weary,” and yet sometimes we replace going to God with going out with our girlfriends or binging on Netflix. (I’m not the only one, right? Right!?) Yeah.

He sees us weary and drained. He hears our complaints of having nothing left to give. He wants to pour into us. He calls us to go to Him so He can fill us up before, during and after we pour out.

Moms, we all know motherhood is a blessing. We love our kids with the fiercest of loves. We pour ourselves completely out for them day in and day out. We will throat punch someone to protect them.

They are a constant in our hearts, our thoughts, our worries and our dreams. We literally pour it all out for them. And we wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.

God wants us to enjoy motherhood to its fullest. It is the greateat gift He has given us to steward these little ones (and the adult ones).

Have your “me” time. Go have coffee with your girlfriend. Watch that entire series on Netflix! Go get your hair done. Take that long, UNINTERRUPTED shower. (Yeah, I’m not harbouring any bitterness about that shower thing.)

Just don’t forget to go to the One who will pour back into YOU so you can enjoy motherhood to the fullest.

Happy Mother’s Day, all you amazing Moms!

Hope Beyond Shame

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:1-3.

This is one of my favorite Bible verses because it paints a beautiful picture of the body of Christ. People coming together in support and love of one another. Someone toppling under the weight of struggle and their fellow Christians rushing to their aid to help make their burden lighter. It’s beautiful…if you’re the Christian coming to the aid of another. But what if you’re the one struggling to get on your feet?

We all want to be the knight in shining armor riding in on their white horse to rescue another. We want to be the hero. We don’t want to be the victim. So when we become victims of our circumstances, of our own foolish behaviors or our mistakes, it’s difficult to come forward and seek help. We want to keep our shame in darkness, hidden from others. But there’s only one who operates in darkness, and it isn’t God.

If you’re struggling under the weight of a burden, whether through fault of your own or not, do not allow shame to keep it hidden away. Once you bring it out into the light, the body of Christ will help you carry the load. However, you need to be selective with whom you entrust with certain parts of your private life. Just because you should not be ashamed to come forward for help doesn’t mean you need to broadcast it to the entire world around you. Too many voices can drown out sound advice.

So who can you trust?

This is a question my husband and I asked ourselves when we were at our breaking point and desperately needed help with the load. We asked ourselves some key questions to help us narrow down the people we would turn to for advice.

Who has given good testimony in our community?

A testimony is evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something. Essentially, we were searching for someone who had a reputation of being discrete and had verifiable good character. In other words, we didn’t want to know them as people who spread other peoples business. If you hear them speak of others like: “So and so told me that so and so…blah, blah…”, then that’s probably not the person who is going to keep your issues confidential. Don’t think that someone who is telling you someone else’s personal business is going to keep your business personal. Find someone who is a vault. Then you’ll be sure your business will be safeguarded.

Who is rooted in Scripture?

We were looking for that person who, no matter what you’re facing or how your day is going, they’re gonna quote you some Scripture! You say good morning and they respond, “Today is the day the Lord has made!” Hallelujah! Yes!! 2 Timothy 3:16 says, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” We were searching for someone who has Scripture very evidently engraved in their heart because then we’d be assured that their words of advice and counsel would be planted in Godly wisdom.

Who has relatable life experience?

This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve been through exactly what you’ve been through, but they’ve been through some stuff! When someone has walked a similar path before you, they’ve learned valuable lessons along the way. We’re married, so we wanted to speak to a married couple so we could get both the husband and wife perspective. One of our struggles is with finances, so we also wanted a couple who is financially stable. Whatever your issue may be, talking to someone with a relatable life experience may prove to be helpful.

With all of those things taken into consideration and after some discussion, we knew exactly who to speak to. The couple we selected to help us carry this load were Karyn and Bob. They are leaders in our church family, have an excellent testimony of trustworthiness and we knew that they would listen to our issues without judgement and give sound advice rooted in Scripture and love. They also would not sugarcoat the reality of our situation and lay it to us honestly. They would pray with us, check in with us and love us through all the peaks and valleys. They exemplified what the body of Christ is and how it’s designed to function.

Left to right: Jorge Gasca, Cinder Gasca, Karyn Stephan, Robert Stephan

Still, this was a big deal for us because we were so embarrassed to open up about it with anyone! Yeah, people probably knew we weren’t Rockefeller’s, but just the idea of revealing the intimate details of our struggles, our arguments, our finances was extremely difficult. But one Sunday after church, we had lunch with Karyn and Bob and we laid it out for them. We spoke about our struggles and our arguments in detail and they listened to us with understanding, patience and love.

Let me tell you, after that talk we felt lighter. We felt…like a burden had been lifted! Why? Because Galatians 6:1-3. The body of Christ was there for us and they helped carry our burden. As a result, we now have a new hope that we can get through this. As our Pastor says, we aren’t meant to do life alone. God planted us in a body, in a community so the harshness of life can be a bit easier to navigate. That first step we took cast a light on our shame, which led to the step to invest into the Dave Ramsey program, which led to the step of writing our first budget together, which will lead to other steps we’ll take that will change our future.

It all starts with that first bold step to reject shame and cast light where there is darkness.